I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
