I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
