I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I intend to get homeless drunk
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
