My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
