My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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