Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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