dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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