he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
