hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
