So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You had me at "let me see your balls"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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