i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
