my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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