I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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