pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
