I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
