dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
