Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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