My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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