did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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