I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How's work?
Spinning.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
