From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
