chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
