no, he came in my armpit
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
