Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
