Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm both gender and math confused
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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