It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
