Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
