When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
