oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
