i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
