im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
