I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
