I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
