I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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