omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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