On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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