porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
