oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
