I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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