i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
