someone threw a dead crab at me
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
