I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
