i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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