Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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