textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
