why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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