she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm always down for nudity.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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