First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There's always time for handjobs
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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