At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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