Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
