meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
