well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
